Wednesday 7 March 2012

Been watching: Planet of the Dinosaurs.

The poster makes this film look infinitely cooler than it actually is.
  Deep in uncharted space a starship has a catastrophic reactor failure. Only one shuttle and a motley collection of crew and passengers  survive to crashland onto a convenient planet. 
 Unfortunately  the planet happens to be occupied. 
By Dinosaurs.
Oops.

  The one thing everybody agrees on is that the dinosaurs are done quite well. Or at least done well by late 1970s low-budget standards. 
  And this is low-budget.  They certainly didn't spend more than they had to on the actors, most of whom are terrible. Available evidence suggests that the producers recruited people who couldn't get work in porn. That would certainly explain the natty facial sported by almost every single male character.   The one exception - the guy who looks like a beefed up Doug McClure and acts like a tranked up Doug McClure -  loses his shirt as soon as our heroes make planetfall and never manages to find it again. 
 Ah, but is there fanservice from the ladies? 
Sort of. 
The token blonde strips down to her underwear to go for a swim and quickly and fatally discovers why this is a bad idea on a world populated by large carnivorous reptiles.
There's also a random outbreak of drunken gogo dancing later on. The young lady concerned then  makes the tactical error of running the wrong way when a T. Rex pops up in the next scene. And I mean pops up.  Something the size of an elephant manages to sidle up to within spitting distance of a snogging couple before one of them notices.
D'you think the producers are trying to tell us something? 
In the interests of gender equality, the prize for "Biggest retard" goes to the obnoxious rich-boy who has spent the entire film being a spoilt, whiney prick. He stumbles across a clutch of melon sized eggs and overjoyed by the prospect of a decent omelette begins loudly calling for the mother to pop back and say hi. Obviously eggs that big mean a frigging huge chicken, right? 
 He's on a planet that has dinosaurs on it. 
 Dinosaurs lay eggs.
It never occurs to him that maybe he really doesn't want to meet the mother after all.
  Note the big-ass spikey horn. Guess who ends up getting a really close look at it?

  Can you imagine a cross between "Starcrash" and "One Million BC"?  Except with less budget, no name actors whatsoever and some quite impressive facial hair. There's also a soundtrack that entirely consists of somebody doodling on a Mini Moog.
 See that poster up at the top of the page? If the film was even a quarter as entertaining as the poster promised, it would be a decent way to kill a couple of hours. As it is, fast forward through the bits that don't have dinosaurs and maybe play a game of "Which 70s Arena Rock Band Does Each Character Belong In" 
A short taster, if you're interested.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Labels

#HeavyMetal (246) #TheMetalProject (228) Advice (2) Airboy (2) aircraft (27) album covers (115) Alestorm (2) Andrew j Offutt (1) angels (1) anime (22) AOR (10) art and stuff (28) Attractive women. (98) B-reaction (1) Barbarion (1) Beasty Girls (1) Big D is going to lose his temper in a minute. (4) Big D talks bollocks (36) Big D talks bollocks. (38) Big D talks bollocks. aircraft (2) Black Metal (3) blatant fanservice (154) blatant plug (5) BOLOS (1) Books (50) Boston Wrestling 1964 (1) British comics (21) bunny (1) Buses (3) Captain America (1) carrier bags (1) cars (2) cartoons (12) Catgirl Nuku Nuku (1) Catwoman (1) Change 123 (1) Charleston wrestling 1964 (1) Cheapo DVD Review (75) Children (1) Chingford (1) Christmas (4) Clouds (1) comics (31) Dale rambles about stuff. (1) David Gibbins (1) Dejah Thoris (1) dinosaurs (13) dogs (2) doing stuff badly. (1) Dragonforce (1) dreams (1) DUKW (1) DVD artists are lying bastards (23) Elvis impersonators (1) Eric Roberts will work for food (3) European wrestling 1964 (1) eurovision (20) eurovision Metal Contest (6) fantasy (9) Fathers Day (1) female cyborgs (1) Film (158) films (50) First Squad (1) gardening (1) German Comics (3) Getting started. (1) Ghosts (1) gig (3) Goolie abuse (4) gorgons (1) Grappling Gertie (4) Green Lantern (1) Guest post (2) Hard Gay (1) Harley Quinn (1) Hawkgirl (1) Heavy Metal Artwork Blog (121) Heavy Metal Blog (96) Heavy Metal Cover Girls (95) History (3) Horror (31) Islamic Metal (1) Judge Anderson (2) Kobra And The Lotus. (1) Lawnmower Deth (2) Lesbian Bed Death (2) List (16) Lords Of The Trident (3) Manga (11) marrow fighting (1) Martial Arts (14) Maryland wrestling 1964 (1) massive shoulderpads (1) Matthew Reilly (2) men's issues (6) Merlin (1) metal (329) Metal Christmas (1) Metal songs about metal (229) mimi hagiwara (1) MinamICon (1) Mind Wars (1) models (19) monkeys (2) Monsters Of Rock (2) MRAs (1) museums (8) music (32) music from the weird aprt of Youtube (3) music from the weird part of Youtube (3) music that gets under my skin. (2) Neil Peart RIP. (1) Nice cover (2) Nicholas Eames. (1) Night Fighters (1) Nightside (1) Noot noot (1) NWOBHM (3) Oatcakes (1) Olympics (1) photos (3) pinup (1) ponies (6) Portsmouth (13) Power Girl (2) power metal (1) puroresu (2) Rain (1) rant (19) Redheads (7) Roswell Conspiracies (2) rules (2) Sci-Fi (46) sexy witches (6) shame about the book. (2) Sharktopus (1) Sigismund (1) silliness (1) Southsea (15) Southsea Food Festival 2022 (1) spiders (1) Spitfires (4) Sport is bollocks (1) Starblazer (1) Stockings (1) Storm Eunice 2022 (1) Story (9) Strike Witches (1) Strip magazine (1) Stuff with armoured cars (1) Stuff with axemurdering lumberjacks (1) Stuff with B36 Bombers (1) Stuff with big flying lizards (12) Stuff with Black Metal Catgirls (1) Stuff with blokes in kilts. (2) stuff with cute banshees. (2) Stuff with enormous birds (1) Stuff With Flying Fruit (1) Stuff with Giant Crabs. (3) Stuff with giant Germans singing about sausage. Music from the weird part of Youtube. (1) Stuff with Girls In Eyepatches (3) Stuff with Gladiators (8) stuff with kickboxing teachers. (1) Stuff with killer cricketers (1) Stuff with Killer Rabbits (1) stuff with killer snails (1) Stuff With Killer Unicorns (1) stuff with Maoris (1) Stuff with mermaids (1) Stuff with Nazi Vampires (3) Stuff with Ninjas (3) Stuff with Psycho Coppers (1) Stuff with Robot Maids (1) Stuff with Roller Derby (1) stuff with rollerskating Muses (1) Stuff with soulsucking mummies. (2) Stuff with strippers (3) Stuff with talking statues (2) Stuff with Vikings (3) Stuff with violent clowns (1) Stuff With Walking Fish (2) Stuff with weird Kiwis (1) Stuff with werewolves (5) Stuff with Wolves (1) stuffed animals (1) Stupid films about sharks (10) Synthwave (4) tanks (5) Tarkan (1) Taya Valkyrie (1) Terrible Metal Album Covers (28) Terrible songs (1) Terry Pratchett. (1) The Band (1) The Hangover pt 2 (1) The Lost Fleet (1) The Metal Project (226) Thundercats (1) Ticket Tales. (1) Top Ten (6) Toy soldiers (9) Truffle (1) Turkish films (2) Ultimate Metal Playlist (9) Valentine (2) Valkyrie (2) Vampires (8) videos (1) voyager (1) War Films (4) Warships (1) weird crushes (5) weird shit (8) White Pigeon (1) women in blindfolds (2) Women with Scythes (1) women with spears (5) women with swords (52) women with wings (7) women's wrestling (50) womens wrestling comics (13) womens' wrestling movies. (1) Wrestling (33) Wrestling Books (5) Wrestling Magazines (15) wrestling October 1964 (1) WTF? Japan (10) WW2 (1) Yamato (2) you do this shit deliberately don't you? (1) Zombie Films (6)