Tuesday 12 March 2013

Terrible Metal Album Covers - Chapter 12

 I apologise in advance for what I am about to do to your eyes, your sanity  and possibly your very soul. For tonight the gates of Crap Album Art Hell are thrown wide and the beasts are loosed among us.
 (That being said crap album art is no guarantee of musical incompetence. Every Metal band in existence has at least one album cover that they are ashamed of.)  

 You know what...I think the theme of this post is going to be "Blokes with swords - but done badly"

Excess Pressure - Of Dreams And Nightmares (Germany 2008)

Awful metal album covers
The orignal artwork was a bit better but sadly the artist chose to work in 
watercolours and some buffoon knocked a glass of water all over it.
That's my theory at any rate.
Here's what they sound like.  Not bad.

Attacker - Battle At Helm's Deep (USA 1985)

Horrible metal album cover barbarian
Worried looking man in his pants battles a lizard/bat/cicada thing.
I've read Lord of the Rings and I don't remember that bit at all. 
Maybe it was in the Silmarillion. 
He really does look like he's bricking himself, doesn't he?

Atlain - Living In The Past - Germany 1984

Warrior metal album cover
So there's this lizardman, minding his own business in his little cellar, when 
this blue bloke with an enormous chopper busts in and starts smashing the place up.
Bloody hooligans. 

Gotham City - The Unknown (Sweden 1984)

Barbarian metal album cover
Golgar the Monochrome vows to hunt down 
the evildoers who nicked his other 
glove and make them pay. 
Pay! These were a custom job, dammit!

Crazy Lazy - Que Viva El Rock! (Mexico  1985)

Abysmal metal album cover
 Spikes...so many spikes...

Hawaii - The Natives Are Restless (USA 1985)

Metal album volcano
Posing On top of a Mountain ...check
Maiden clinging to your leg...Check
Exploding volcano for extra points ...Check.
This cover would be Conan-Approved if not for two things.
1. Mate, you look like an angry Smurf
and 
2. You forgot your sword.
(Or you're holding something else in your hand....)

And finally, proving that the art of the badly-drawn barbarian is alive and well,
I give you...

Dragon - Victoria (Argentina 2012)

barbarian heavy metal
 He seems happy about something.

That's all folks.


3 comments:

  1. A bit Nordic? I'm wondering if the Vikings invented heavy metal @ the same time they travelled to the USA.

    Strange BigD, but this one reminded me of Munch's The Scream-
    Excess Pressure - Of Dreams And Nightmares (Germany 2008)

    & yeah, that `The Natives are Restless' does seem...mmm...erotically odd? No axe or sword, but that wench with the red eyes looks like a killer.

    Cheers, ic



    ReplyDelete
  2. Big D, your captions are priceless, had me laughing out loud! These album covers are pretty comical. Love your theory of what happened to Excess Pressure. They definitely sound better than they look.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Love this! As a Metal Head myself I owned many an album with bad covers.

    Discovered your blog over at June O'Hara's Neurosis Files blog. Hope we can follow each other's blogs.

    Phil
    www.blog.theregularguynyc.com

    ReplyDelete

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