Saturday 6 April 2013

Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012)

 It's the 4th of July weekend and the New Jersey town of Seaside Heights is getting ready to party, none more so than local Guidos  Donnie, Balzac and The Complication (TC).
  Meanwhile a building project up the coast has bent more than a few rules and in the process attracted the attention of  several rare and particularly vicious sharks. 
  Now people are getting eaten and the authorities don't want to know. Can TC and his bros stop the sharks from turning Seaside Heights into their own all-you-can-chomp buffet?

 I blame my brother for this one. I was chatting to him the other day and when the subject drifted onto "Crap films"  a few titles came up.
 "Hang on a minute" I told him. "What was that last one again?"
"Jersey Shore Shark Attack?
"That's the one. You realise I now have to see this, don't you."
"You know it's going to be shite, don't you."
"I know." I said wearily. I seem to remember him calling me a pillock and the conversation sort of petered out.

 If I were to describe this film in one sentence it would be: "Orange people versus Sharks", the idea being to make a shark movie that also spoofed MTV's "Jersey Shore" (Which, incidentally I've never watched because watching obnoxious morons shout at each other doesn't entertain me.)

  And they're not exactly subtle about it either:
 
 
 
   At this point, I have two questions: Are people supposed to be that colour 
and what are those girls doing with their lips, exactly?
Does it surprise anybody to know that this is a SyFy original?  Any doubt is erased once the sharks appear on screen.

  We've had Super Sharks, Sand Sharks and Two-headed Sharks. 
Albino sharks are a bit boring, really.

  Thing is, the films being lampooned are already ludicrous and usually tongue in cheek anyway so there's not much you can do to add comedy. The writers didn't exactly go out of their way to add gags either. Possibly they were thinking the concept of  Guidos vs Sharks would be funny enough.
 However, if you treat this as just another Stupid Shark Movie then there's all the usual fun to be had;
Mocking the effects for starters
Donnie kicks a shark
Donnie is about to give a foam rubber shark a right shoeing.

  Then there's mocking the bits blatantly nicked from Jaws ("Hey, let's not bother telling anybody about the sharks. Don't want to scare the tourists." and yet another variant on "Smile, you son of a bitch.") and pointing out the frequent moments of utter stupidity. (New Jersey Police Stations apparently leave their armoury unlocked so anybody can wander in and help themselves.)

  Weirdly enough, I actually found myself warming to TC and his crew as the film went on. They might be dumb as wildebeest and unnatural in colour but they do sort of come across as OK people.

 To sum up, this is not a good film but if you get a kick out of watching stupid people get eaten by bad CGI sharks then Jersey Shore Shark Attack might entertain you for an hour or so.
 Now for some screencaps;
 Wet t-shirt contest. Just because.
 Nooki expresses her disapproval of such antics.
Dear gods, you could use her earrings to moor boats. 
Some rich WASPs show up to mock the locals.
A fat man has a bit of a fishing mishap.
Rich preppie wonders how Nooki fits into those trousers without 
a shoehorn and a good fistful of vaseline.
 Preppie chick wonders who the orange girl in the spandex pants is
 
"You need to stay out o the water 'cos of all the sharks. Hey. nice boobs." 
Strangely, this warning is ignored. It's like she couldn't take him seriously for some reason. 

Here's the trailer if you're interested. 

That's all folks. 

5 comments:

  1. I would never have thought an ordinary old shark movie could have so many curves, twists & turns BigD.

    A trip down to Torquay will never be the same.
    Cheers, ic

    ReplyDelete
  2. All I can say is "no they didn't!!!" lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you didn't do the "head shake and waggle fingers" when you typed that I shall be most disappointed.

      Delete
  3. Big D, great review of this crap film (love the pics and captions too). As someone born and raised in New Jersey, I must state for the blogosphere that real Jerseyans do Not behave that way, at the shore, anywhere! LOL! That being said, this movie is hysterical for its sheer stupidity of a wretchedly awful stereotype (not to mention the wretched acting lol!) Too bad those sharks didn’t eat ‘em all. “Orange people versus Sharks” perfect description.

    To answer your two questions: People are not supposed to be that color, ever! And what those ladies are doing with their lips is an exaggeration of an attitude expression used mainly by Italian and ethnic women in New York and New Jersey (which I can attest to being part-Italian and from that area) to convey disgust or disagreement in an emphatic way. (Of course, with big lips, you can really clown that up lol!)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Positive site, where did u come up with the information on this posting?I have read a few of the articles on your website now, and I really like your style. Thanks a million and please keep up the effective work. at PressureWasherGuides.com

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Labels

#HeavyMetal (246) #TheMetalProject (228) Advice (2) Airboy (2) aircraft (27) album covers (115) Alestorm (2) Andrew j Offutt (1) angels (1) anime (22) AOR (10) art and stuff (28) Attractive women. (98) B-reaction (1) Barbarion (1) Beasty Girls (1) Big D is going to lose his temper in a minute. (4) Big D talks bollocks (36) Big D talks bollocks. (38) Big D talks bollocks. aircraft (2) Black Metal (3) blatant fanservice (154) blatant plug (5) BOLOS (1) Books (49) Boston Wrestling 1964 (1) British comics (21) bunny (1) Buses (3) Captain America (1) carrier bags (1) cars (2) cartoons (12) Catgirl Nuku Nuku (1) Catwoman (1) Change 123 (1) Charleston wrestling 1964 (1) Cheapo DVD Review (75) Children (1) Chingford (1) Christmas (4) Clouds (1) comics (31) Dale rambles about stuff. (1) David Gibbins (1) Dejah Thoris (1) dinosaurs (13) dogs (2) doing stuff badly. (1) Dragonforce (1) dreams (1) DUKW (1) DVD artists are lying bastards (23) Elvis impersonators (1) Eric Roberts will work for food (3) European wrestling 1964 (1) eurovision (20) eurovision Metal Contest (6) fantasy (9) Fathers Day (1) female cyborgs (1) Film (158) films (50) First Squad (1) gardening (1) German Comics (3) Getting started. (1) Ghosts (1) gig (3) Goolie abuse (4) gorgons (1) Grappling Gertie (4) Green Lantern (1) Guest post (2) Hard Gay (1) Harley Quinn (1) Hawkgirl (1) Heavy Metal Artwork Blog (121) Heavy Metal Blog (96) Heavy Metal Cover Girls (95) History (3) Horror (31) Islamic Metal (1) Judge Anderson (2) Kobra And The Lotus. (1) Lawnmower Deth (2) Lesbian Bed Death (2) List (16) Lords Of The Trident (3) Manga (11) marrow fighting (1) Martial Arts (14) Maryland wrestling 1964 (1) massive shoulderpads (1) Matthew Reilly (2) men's issues (6) Merlin (1) metal (329) Metal Christmas (1) Metal songs about metal (229) mimi hagiwara (1) MinamICon (1) Mind Wars (1) models (19) monkeys (2) Monsters Of Rock (2) MRAs (1) museums (8) music (31) music from the weird aprt of Youtube (3) music from the weird part of Youtube (2) music that gets under my skin. (2) Neil Peart RIP. (1) Nice cover (2) Nicholas Eames. (1) Night Fighters (1) Nightside (1) Noot noot (1) NWOBHM (3) Oatcakes (1) Olympics (1) photos (3) pinup (1) ponies (6) Portsmouth (13) Power Girl (2) power metal (1) puroresu (2) Rain (1) rant (19) Redheads (7) Roswell Conspiracies (2) rules (2) Sci-Fi (45) sexy witches (6) shame about the book. (2) Sharktopus (1) Sigismund (1) silliness (1) Southsea (15) Southsea Food Festival 2022 (1) spiders (1) Spitfires (4) Sport is bollocks (1) Starblazer (1) Stockings (1) Storm Eunice 2022 (1) Story (9) Strike Witches (1) Strip magazine (1) Stuff with armoured cars (1) Stuff with axemurdering lumberjacks (1) Stuff with B36 Bombers (1) Stuff with big flying lizards (12) Stuff with Black Metal Catgirls (1) Stuff with blokes in kilts. (2) stuff with cute banshees. (2) Stuff with enormous birds (1) Stuff With Flying Fruit (1) Stuff with Giant Crabs. (3) Stuff with giant Germans singing about sausage. Music from the weird part of Youtube. (1) Stuff with Girls In Eyepatches (3) Stuff with Gladiators (8) stuff with kickboxing teachers. (1) Stuff with killer cricketers (1) Stuff with Killer Rabbits (1) stuff with killer snails (1) Stuff With Killer Unicorns (1) stuff with Maoris (1) Stuff with mermaids (1) Stuff with Nazi Vampires (3) Stuff with Ninjas (3) Stuff with Psycho Coppers (1) Stuff with Robot Maids (1) Stuff with Roller Derby (1) stuff with rollerskating Muses (1) Stuff with soulsucking mummies. (2) Stuff with strippers (3) Stuff with talking statues (2) Stuff with Vikings (3) Stuff with violent clowns (1) Stuff With Walking Fish (2) Stuff with weird Kiwis (1) Stuff with werewolves (5) Stuff with Wolves (1) stuffed animals (1) Stupid films about sharks (10) Synthwave (4) tanks (5) Tarkan (1) Taya Valkyrie (1) Terrible Metal Album Covers (28) Terrible songs (1) Terry Pratchett. (1) The Band (1) The Hangover pt 2 (1) The Lost Fleet (1) The Metal Project (226) Thundercats (1) Ticket Tales. (1) Top Ten (6) Toy soldiers (9) Truffle (1) Turkish films (2) Ultimate Metal Playlist (9) Valentine (2) Valkyrie (2) Vampires (8) videos (1) voyager (1) War Films (4) Warships (1) weird crushes (5) weird shit (7) White Pigeon (1) women in blindfolds (2) Women with Scythes (1) women with spears (5) women with swords (52) women with wings (7) women's wrestling (50) womens wrestling comics (13) womens' wrestling movies. (1) Wrestling (33) Wrestling Books (5) Wrestling Magazines (15) wrestling October 1964 (1) WTF? Japan (10) WW2 (1) Yamato (2) you do this shit deliberately don't you? (1) Zombie Films (6)