Saturday 30 January 2016

Cheapo DVD Review: The Black Cobra 2 (1989)



Chicago Detective Robertt Malone (Fred Wlliamson) is a big,scary black man who smokes a cigar and shoots criminals in the face.  

 After getting in trouble for shooting yet another criminal in the face (he got blood all over a rich, white woman's face and fur coat) Malone is packed off to The Philippines as part of an Interpol exchange. 
 
  As soon as he arrives Malone stumbles into something that starts off with a stolen wallet and escalates into stolen money and a terrorist plot. 

 After doing some actual detecting, bonding awkwardly with the local liaison and his photogenic family, and getting to know a beautiful lounge singer that people keep trying to kidnap, Malone saves the day by shooting people in the face. 
Except for that one guy who got shot in the dick. 

  You have to love this glorious example of 1980s video box art. Breathe deeply and you can smell the manliness coming off it. I don't know why there's three blokes on the cover. The psycho with the assault rifle definitely never shows up in this movie. 

 "Black Cobra 2" is the sort of thing video shops used to fill up the bottom shelves. I'm convinced that they never got an actual release date - and Christ knows that nobody ever walked up to the counter and asked "When is Black Cobra 2 coming in?" - but instead were delivered by the pallet load when a new Blockbuster  opened up. 
"I got your delivery right here. 200 generic action movies with covers that make them look cooler than they a re. Guaranteed to give your customers an inadequate night's entertainment and irresistible bait for lovers of 80s Cheeseorama."

  Guilty as charged. I certainly wasn't expecting a hidden gem but I did have this vague hope of something entertainingly stupid. This movie fails on both counts. 

Black Cobra 2 is generic in every single way,except for the fight scenes which are appallingly bad.  The Original Star Trek series had a better handle on martial arts,for heaven's sake.  Even by 1980s C-movies standards Fred Wlliamson is a stiff, clumsy fighter and as an extended opening sequence proves, running isn't exactly his forte either. 

 In other regards Black Cobra does a bunch of things already done a hundred times over and usually much better. Pick an 80s cop movie. Either better than this or stupid enough to be watchable for laughs. 

How much did I pay for this? 50p
Was it worth it? A firm "No". This is a dull film that's not worth watching on any level.  

The only positive thing to come out of this experience is knowing that I did you a favour. 

Because one day you might have picked up this DVD and thought "That might be fun." 

I just spared you from that. You're welcome.

That's all folks. 


2 comments:

  1. I got this and two other "Black Cobras" in a cheapo DVD-box containing martial arts movies. Despite the warnings I'm going to have to watch them all someday.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You do indeed provide an invaluable service, that's an hour and a half of my life I'm never going to need to get back.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Labels

#HeavyMetal (246) #TheMetalProject (228) Advice (2) Airboy (2) aircraft (27) album covers (115) Alestorm (2) Andrew j Offutt (1) angels (1) anime (22) AOR (10) art and stuff (28) Attractive women. (98) B-reaction (1) Barbarion (1) Beasty Girls (1) Big D is going to lose his temper in a minute. (4) Big D talks bollocks (36) Big D talks bollocks. (38) Big D talks bollocks. aircraft (2) Black Metal (3) blatant fanservice (154) blatant plug (5) BOLOS (1) Books (49) Boston Wrestling 1964 (1) British comics (21) bunny (1) Buses (3) Captain America (1) carrier bags (1) cars (2) cartoons (12) Catgirl Nuku Nuku (1) Catwoman (1) Change 123 (1) Charleston wrestling 1964 (1) Cheapo DVD Review (75) Children (1) Chingford (1) Christmas (4) Clouds (1) comics (31) Dale rambles about stuff. (1) David Gibbins (1) Dejah Thoris (1) dinosaurs (13) dogs (2) doing stuff badly. (1) Dragonforce (1) dreams (1) DUKW (1) DVD artists are lying bastards (23) Elvis impersonators (1) Eric Roberts will work for food (3) European wrestling 1964 (1) eurovision (20) eurovision Metal Contest (6) fantasy (9) Fathers Day (1) female cyborgs (1) Film (158) films (50) First Squad (1) gardening (1) German Comics (3) Getting started. (1) Ghosts (1) gig (3) Goolie abuse (4) gorgons (1) Grappling Gertie (4) Green Lantern (1) Guest post (2) Hard Gay (1) Harley Quinn (1) Hawkgirl (1) Heavy Metal Artwork Blog (121) Heavy Metal Blog (96) Heavy Metal Cover Girls (95) History (3) Horror (31) Islamic Metal (1) Judge Anderson (2) Kobra And The Lotus. (1) Lawnmower Deth (2) Lesbian Bed Death (2) List (16) Lords Of The Trident (3) Manga (11) marrow fighting (1) Martial Arts (14) Maryland wrestling 1964 (1) massive shoulderpads (1) Matthew Reilly (2) men's issues (6) Merlin (1) metal (329) Metal Christmas (1) Metal songs about metal (229) mimi hagiwara (1) MinamICon (1) Mind Wars (1) models (19) monkeys (2) Monsters Of Rock (2) MRAs (1) museums (8) music (31) music from the weird aprt of Youtube (3) music from the weird part of Youtube (2) music that gets under my skin. (2) Neil Peart RIP. (1) Nice cover (2) Nicholas Eames. (1) Night Fighters (1) Nightside (1) Noot noot (1) NWOBHM (3) Oatcakes (1) Olympics (1) photos (3) pinup (1) ponies (6) Portsmouth (13) Power Girl (2) power metal (1) puroresu (2) Rain (1) rant (19) Redheads (7) Roswell Conspiracies (2) rules (2) Sci-Fi (45) sexy witches (6) shame about the book. (2) Sharktopus (1) Sigismund (1) silliness (1) Southsea (15) Southsea Food Festival 2022 (1) spiders (1) Spitfires (4) Sport is bollocks (1) Starblazer (1) Stockings (1) Storm Eunice 2022 (1) Story (9) Strike Witches (1) Strip magazine (1) Stuff with armoured cars (1) Stuff with axemurdering lumberjacks (1) Stuff with B36 Bombers (1) Stuff with big flying lizards (12) Stuff with Black Metal Catgirls (1) Stuff with blokes in kilts. (2) stuff with cute banshees. (2) Stuff with enormous birds (1) Stuff With Flying Fruit (1) Stuff with Giant Crabs. (3) Stuff with giant Germans singing about sausage. Music from the weird part of Youtube. (1) Stuff with Girls In Eyepatches (3) Stuff with Gladiators (8) stuff with kickboxing teachers. (1) Stuff with killer cricketers (1) Stuff with Killer Rabbits (1) stuff with killer snails (1) Stuff With Killer Unicorns (1) stuff with Maoris (1) Stuff with mermaids (1) Stuff with Nazi Vampires (3) Stuff with Ninjas (3) Stuff with Psycho Coppers (1) Stuff with Robot Maids (1) Stuff with Roller Derby (1) stuff with rollerskating Muses (1) Stuff with soulsucking mummies. (2) Stuff with strippers (3) Stuff with talking statues (2) Stuff with Vikings (3) Stuff with violent clowns (1) Stuff With Walking Fish (2) Stuff with weird Kiwis (1) Stuff with werewolves (5) Stuff with Wolves (1) stuffed animals (1) Stupid films about sharks (10) Synthwave (4) tanks (5) Tarkan (1) Taya Valkyrie (1) Terrible Metal Album Covers (28) Terrible songs (1) Terry Pratchett. (1) The Band (1) The Hangover pt 2 (1) The Lost Fleet (1) The Metal Project (226) Thundercats (1) Ticket Tales. (1) Top Ten (6) Toy soldiers (9) Truffle (1) Turkish films (2) Ultimate Metal Playlist (9) Valentine (2) Valkyrie (2) Vampires (8) videos (1) voyager (1) War Films (4) Warships (1) weird crushes (5) weird shit (7) White Pigeon (1) women in blindfolds (2) Women with Scythes (1) women with spears (5) women with swords (52) women with wings (7) women's wrestling (50) womens wrestling comics (13) womens' wrestling movies. (1) Wrestling (33) Wrestling Books (5) Wrestling Magazines (15) wrestling October 1964 (1) WTF? Japan (10) WW2 (1) Yamato (2) you do this shit deliberately don't you? (1) Zombie Films (6)