Sunday, 23 July 2017

Some people have gnomes in their garden...

  Me, I wanted something a little bit more unusual.  I wasn't quite sure exactly what I wanted although I was 100% I didn't want Meerkats either.

  Then one day I spotted the perfect garden accessories. What do you think?

 Brontosaurus from Wilkinsons £5.
Got a few odd looks carrying it home mind you.

  I like to move him around every week or so. 

 I got the bright green Stegosaurus first. They make a lovely couple, don't they?

 Eventually I hope to get some more. I quite fancy a Therizinosaurus.

That's all folks

Monday, 17 July 2017

Heavy Metal Cover Girls: Big And Beautiful

Evening all.  

  I've been running through my folder Album Covers and I'm alarmed at how big it's become. At a conservative estimate I could post every day for a month and still have stuff left over. 

  The problem is, finding album covers is a lot easier than coming up with themes to use when posting them. I've had some pics sitting around for a couple of years just waiting for another two or three to make up the set.  

 Maybe I should post a bunch of stuff at random and have done?  

Let's call that Plan B.  In the meantime, how about a small selection of album covers that all take the view that bigger is definitely better?  

Necrowerewolf - Ran (Goddess of The Sea) (Russia 2015)

Album cover giant woman  "Heavy metal cover girls"

   I don't care how brave a Viking you are, when a ginormous woman picks you up and starts studying you like this then the fear will flow from your pants in a runny brown stream. 

Sunday, 9 July 2017

Phantom Excaliver: Fighting Evil with The Power of METAL

  Japan has a proven track record of doing things a bit differently. Pick anything you like and the Japanese will dd that little. unique twist to it and come up with something different. Animation, horror movies, wrestling, comics..and music!

  Melodeath/Power Metal outfit Phantom Excaliver already stand out from the pack thanks to frontman Kacchang's spiky. yellow barnet but their latest video is worth seeing.

  In the promo for 幻の聖剣 (Phantom Holy sword) the band pay tribute to Super Sentai shows by becoming superheros.  The fact that they clearly had a budget of £8.50 just makes it even more entertaining.

Watch and see for yourself. 

That's All Folks

Tuesday, 4 July 2017

The Metal Project: America F*** Yeah!

The metal project, metal songs with metal in the title.

  There was only ever going to be one thing I could post on the 4th Of July wasn't there?

Here for your delight is a selection of American Metal.
Play loud while drinking beer and watching fireworks. 

I just had to start with these guys

MetalUSAfer - Heavy Metal Hammer (2014)

Honour to: intothecults

Black Magick - Corporate Metal (2014)

Honour to: Black Magick

Cronecronaut - Speed Metal From Space (2017)

Honour to: Bruno Terrosa

Ironflame - Heavy Metal Warriors (2017)

Honour to: Power Metal Power Legion

Corners Of Sanctuary - Metal Machine  (2015)

Honour to: Exquisite noise records

Sarcoma - Nuclear Metal (2011)

Honour to: Evil Earth Productions.

To finish there was only one band worthy.

Manowar - Brothers Of Metal (1996) 

Honour to: Henrique Felicio

Happy Birthday America
Thanks for all the great Metal Music.

That's all folks. 

Monday, 3 July 2017

Cheapo DVD Reviews: Samurai Avenger - The Blind Wolf (2009)

Genre: Grindhouse/Western/Samurai

"A blind man seeks vengeance on the psychopath who took his sight and slaughtered his wife and daughter.  Eight years after the massacre, the man has returned to the desert town as a highly trained swordsman ready to seek justice. But he doesn't know there awaits seven assassins hired by his sworn enemy who want the bounty on his head."

  The Grindhouse phenomenon has lead to some interesting films in recent years and I can truthfully say that this is one of the more unusual things I've seen lately. 

 The best way I can describe Samurai Avenger is this: imagine something that takes elements of Spaghetti Western and the weirder Samurai movies, then sets the result in a parallel world where guns and pickup trucks exist but mobile phones don't, where everybody carries a katana, where go-go dancers co-exist with the Bushido code of old Japan,  where some of the villains are straight out of Ninja Scroll and where you can cut somebody's jugular then they still monologue for ten minutes. 

 As a bonus,  if you are a devotee of the Japanese martial art of sheathing swords you're in for a treat because you're going to see a lot of it.  Twice every fight-scene, in fact. 

 The end result is something that is definitely novel but viewers may either come away thinking that this is the best thing ever or -like me- not be as impressed as I might have been. 

  Copious amounts of blood, sadism and the odd outbreak of boobs do not a great film guarantee. I found myself struggling to get into this movie, which was not helped by the poor acting and the fight scenes being nothing to write home about.  And did we really need the narrator popping up at odd moments to explain obscure martial arts techniques?   

 How much did I pay for this: £2.50.
Was it worth it? Debatable. Novel though it might be, Samurai Avenger failed to deliver.  You may disagree.

Saturday, 1 July 2017

The Metal Project: Happy Canada Day!

 Evening all. 

  I just found out that today is Canada Day and since The Great White North has produced about 40% of my favourite bands and I was well overdue a Metal Product post anyway, why not combine the two? 

 So today I'm bringing you a selection of songs from my "to post" file that all come from the magical, musical land of the Maple. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CANADA!

Spell - Possessed By Heavy Metal (2014)

 Honour to: Hugo Lessard

Sunday, 25 June 2017

Film Review: Hunters of The Golden Cobra (1982)


Genre: Adventure/ "Raiders of the Lost Ark" coat-tail rider

1944 Somewhere vaguely defined in South East Asia 
 A mission to retrieve a certain item goes wrong and only the intervention of a young woman saves tough American agent Bob Jackson (David Warbeck) from death.

  A year later Bob is tracked down by his old partner David Franks (John Steiner - apparently channeling the spirit of Terry Thomas) with an offer. Go back into the jungle, retrieve said item (Hint: see the title of the movie) and earn lots of money.
  Admittedly there is a sect of Golden Cobra worshipping nutters to deal with, not to mention the hostile natives who almost killed him last time. There's also  a young woman who bears an uncanny resemblance to the jungle beauty (the delightful Almanta Suska pulling a double shift) and her not-remotely- trustworthy uncle (Luciano Pigozzi) complicating matters. Easy money, right?

  I should probably mention that there is no point where anybody wears a bikini in this film, golden or otherwise.  Despite this Hunters... is pretty decent for what it is: An Italian film hoping to cash in on the success of the Indiana Jones franchise without the budget, effects or star power.

  The director wisely keeps things moving along at a decent rate, with liberal sprinklings of action while  David Warbeck  makes a damn good fist of his open-shirted heroics, with Warbeck and John Steiner playing off each other rather well.
 The climax is maybe not as good as it could have been and the Golden Cobra stubbornly refuses to give any indication of the alleged supernatural powers. But on the whole I enjoyed this film.

Hunters Of The Golden Cobra is the sort of thing Sony Movie Channel might put on Saturday afternoon for some harmless adventure fun. Not great cinema but entertaining enough if you're in the mood.

Watch the whole film here:

Tuesday, 20 June 2017

Getting Sheared For Summer

 I've been trying to grow my hair out recently. I'm not entirely sure why although some vague attempt to recapture the headbanging days of my twenties is probably lurking somewhere under the surface.

 (Sorry but headbanging with short hair makes you look like a numpty.  I speak truth and you know it.)

Then I ran into two significant problems.  

 The first is getting hair in my eyes - which sucked - and the constant flicking I had to do to keep it out.

When I realised I was pushing my hair out of my eyes every two minutes having long hair no longer seemed like such a good idea. 

 Besides which based on previous attempts  the end result would not have been this:

But was more likely to have been this: 

Except older, fatter and less photogenic. 

Problem number two is that the UK is currently in the middle of some very uncharacteristic weather.

To put it bluntly, it's way too hot and I am currently sweating my bollocks off.  

The last thing I need right now is a lovely mop of heat retaining thatch on my skull. Which itches

So last night I broke out my trusty clippers and ten minutes later my magnificent mane of hair ... was a puddle on my kitchen floor. 

Here's another shot. Banana for scale. 

That's me Captain Baldy for another two months then. Oh well. 

If I get sunburnt on my newly nude bonce I'm going to be ever so annoyed. 

Saturday, 10 June 2017

Heavy Metal Cover Girls..In The Silvery Moon's Light

It's about time I did one of these. Actually it's about time I posted full stop but I'm definitely overdue a Cover Girls post.

 So I dived into my album cover folder and after getting distracted more than I care to admit I finally came up with tonight's theme.   Girls under the light of the Moon

 Yes, I know it sounds a bit boring but trust me, a decent artist can take any theme and run with it.

Now let's go for a walk in the moonlight and see who we meet. 

Niobeth - Silvery Moonbeams (Spain 2011)

Heavy Metal art blog

When you consider all the horrible stuff that happens on metal album covers, sometimes
 it's nice to just see a pretty girl sitting in a tree under the light of the moon.  
Although I am curious as to how she managed to get up the tree in her nice, 
floaty dress without ripping it to buggery or getting moss stains everywhere. 

Niobeth are from the more emotive corner of Metal.

 Minstrelix - Reflections (Japan 2009)

woman dancing in moon light
Another pleasant cover.
Just a happy girl dancing under the two moons...
Two moons?  Screw it... we'll let that slide for now.

In a minute she's going to discover why putting a leash on birds is usually considered a bit stupid.
More so when you've tied the other end to your dress.

If you like your Power metal with classical flourishes and female vocals you might like this.
(Band has since switched vocalists to a bloke by the way.). 

Molllust - In Deep Waters (Germany 2015)

Three albums in and we're still good. Nothing weird, scary or bloody yet. I live in hope.

Beth the mermaid always dreamt of being a ballet dancer. Unfortunately having a distinct lack of feet was a career-killer.
But Beth was determined gal. Once she worked out how to make her own costumes without
the patterns going all soggy, she began practising her artistic moves under the light of the moon.
One day she would dance.
One day.

Mollust don't make finding their songs easy with their choice of spelling.
Operatic Metal FFO old Therion maybe?

Marenne - The Past Prelude (Finland 2009)

Just so you know,. I didn't black out the bit on the bottom right. It was like that when I found it. 

So she's praying to the moon, I guess. That's all empowering and stuff and not at all disturbing providing her prayer isn't
"Dear Selene, Please make all my classmates die! ha ha ha ha haaah"

Marenne are Blackened Grindcore
Nah. I'm kidding.
Female fronted Melodic Metal. 

My Deception - Sinful Twilight (Portugal 2013)

Here we have a bellydancer practising her routine at Twilight ... And Holy Crap is that a skull? 

Um,..she could be one of those metal bellydancers I've heard about or..


She's a witch isn't she? 

I knew this was going to get dark eventually. 

My Deception are the first band thus far with a bloke singing.
Gothic Metal, natch.
I am intrigued. These guys are pretty good. 

Apparition - For Vengeance And For Love (UK 2012)

Pretty as this scene is, I foresee a bloody rampage coming on. 

Apparition are Gothic Metal from  my old West Midlands homeland so I wish them well.
Guitarist David Homer is also the man behind the The Dames of Darkness Festival  which I keep meaning to go to one of these days. 

Apparition are Gothic/Symphonic Metal and not bad at all.

Devil's Train -S/T  (Germany 2012)

Oh dear. In our moonlight stroll we seem to have accidentally stumbled across a hellbitch summoning her demon armies into our world.

Devil's Train are straight up Hard Rock.

That's all folks. 

Wednesday, 31 May 2017

Cheapo DVD Reviews: Kingdom of Blood: Legend of The Red Eagle (2012)

Genre: Historical Adventure

The Story
  A small town in Spain is due to host an International Peace Summit attended by the most powerful rulers of 17th century Western Europe. Louis XIV of France, Charles II of England and of course Philip IV of Spain. 
  Little does Philip know that the event is merely a front for a dastardly plot to murder him and parcel Spain out between her enemies.  
 Luckily the heroic Red Eagle, Champion of the People, is ready to put a spanner in the works.
  Or he would be if he wasn't having some personal problems...

 These days I'm a little wary of European films given smack-inna-mouth packaging because half the time the film I get isn't the film I thought I was buying. 

  In this case I am pleased to report that Kingdom of Blood: Legend Of The Red Eagle is the swordswinging adventure I was expecting.  Sort of. 
 More on that later. 

 I was initially nonplussed when the (obviously medieval) goons chasing a beautiful woman are interrupted by what is to all intents and purposes a Ninja. 
 Then Louis XIV shows up - big wig and all - and the time period gets another unexpected, hefty nudge. But once I got used to the setting Kingdom Of Blood turns out to be decent little historical adventure with enough evil plotting, meaningful glances, fiery women  and sword & matchlock action to keep fans of The Three Musketeers entertained.  I could have maybe done with a little less of the "comic" foils but they don't harm the movie too much. I also find it interesting that at the film's big climax, the hero doing something else.

 What I did find disconcerting is that we're dropped into events with very little explanation as to who all these people are and their relationship to one another might be. In fact, I was wondering if it was based on a comic that Spanish fans were very familiar with so there was no need to explain the backstory. 

  A little research brings up something interesting:  Across most of Europe this is known as simply Red Eagle,  because audiences in France, Spain, Germany and so on are already familiar with the characters.

This is a film based on the Spanish adventure series Águila Roja, a big hit all across Europe except for a certain group of foggy islands. Basically it's the Iberian equivalent of Zorro or Robin Hood. 
 The DVD might even be a "Film version" of a couple of episodes stitched together. Hard to tell.

 Either way it doesn't matter overmuch because I did enjoy Legend Of The Red Eagle. As a decent swashbuckler to watch while eating my tea, this film more than delivered.

How much did I pay for this DVD: 50p

Was it worth it: Yes. Minor quibbles aside, this is a fun film with a likable hero and even as a proud Englishman it's hard not to be moved by the stirring "For Spain!" heroics at the end. 

 Here's the trailer:

That's All Folks. 

Friday, 26 May 2017

Anime From The Vault: Saviour Of The Earth (1983)

The Story

Evil genius Dr. Butler creates a brand new energy thing and uses it to cause havoc by tapping into the world's computers. Planes crash, trains crash, nuclear missiles get fired, and traffic jams get really bad. All of which causes the authorities to call in non-evil genius Dr. Kim and his assistants: ice queen Sheila and hapless loser Keith. Dr. Butler takes exception to their interference so all three are sucked into the computer world where Kim and sheila are put to work on some evil project or another and Keith is forced to play computer games...

To The Death!

Can Keith escape? Can our heroes stop the evil Dr. Butler? Why is there a tiny robot girl with no nose? Why is her sister a sexy pirate chick? What the bloody hell is going on anyway? 

  I can remember seeing this one on the "Anime" shelf  back when the whole Japanimation was starting to get attention in the UK and even then recognised it for what it was:   An old anime film repackaged for the kiddie market and subsequently reshelved in the hopes that anime fans might go "Ooh. that looks Japanese. Me buy"

  Except it isn't Japanese. 

   This is a Korean film called Computer Haekjeonham Pokpa Daejakjeon which is a lot of words to say "Blatant Tron Ripoff"  There's even a frisbee fight FFS. 

 Lack of originality isn't the only problem. Even compared to other work from 1983 the animation is nowt special and if I didn't know better I'd be convinced that this was stitched together from a TV series as that's the artwork standard.  Then there's the story which drags like hell. A sequence where hapless gamers are dropped into arcade games to see how they like being blasted is stretched out for too long and a car-chase suddenly judders to a halt when Keith becomes playmate to the aforementioned robot girl. 
  Why anybody thought that was necessary to the plot puzzles me. You couldn't have given the sexy piratess more screen time?  She's more fun than Sheila who is about as much fun as televised furniture-polishing.

 By the time the climax arrives, I didn't care any more.

  The big, bigger, biggest problem, however, is the dubbing because holy crap it is terrible. 

  Saviour Of The Earth is appallingly bad. Flat, robotic voices, dodgy accents, stilted dialogue...all the hallmarks of disinterested, low-budget voice-dubbers are present and correct. There is literally not a single person who manages to give their performance any kind of sparkle or effort. Were there even professionals involved or did the dubbing director just round up some of his cleaners and stick a mic in their faces?

  To sum up: Do not watch this movie. I did and I regret it. 

 I would post screen shots but I don't want to take up even more of my time on this movie. So let's have a couple of Pirate Captain Ann - who deserved a much better film.

  These two are sisters. Don't ask me how.  

  A shot the animators liked so much they used it twice. 

That's all folks. 

Sunday, 21 May 2017

The Eurovision Metal Contest Group 3

Metal Songs About Metal. Ultimate Metal Song List

 How time flies when you're...busy with work and life and a bunch of other crap. Oh well. 

This is the belated final batch of this year's  Eurovision Metal Contest. Hope you like it.


Insanity Alert - Metal Punx Never Die (2016)

Credit to: Bruno Terrosa


Sacred Steel- Heavy Metal Sacrifice (2016)

 Credit to: Unknown Power Metal YT


Burning Witches - Metal Demons (2017)

Credit to: Burning Witches


Kelthuzzar - Prawdziwego Metalu Kult (2007)

Credit to: Xsatanisticx


Oldblood - Heavy Metal Night (2010)

Credit to: Mefistofelesblack

And that's it for another year.
Yes, I know I posted Portugal twice. 


That's all folks. 

Sunday, 14 May 2017

The Eurovision Metal Contest 2017 (Group 2)

Well that's Eurovision done with for another year and it delivered more than enough drama, bum notes, bizarre voting and weird shit for anybody's liking. (Seriously, does anybody know wtf was going on with Azerbaijan's horse-man on a lader?) Never mind, we can still milk the Eurovision euphoria for a wee while longer with a second dose of Eurovision metal.
See here: The-eurovision-metal-contest-2017-group 1 for the first batch of songs and a quick rundown of the rules.


Paladine - The Metaliser (2017)

I'm cheating a bit on the next one. 


Golden Resurrection - Heavenly Metal (Instrumental 2013)

Credit to: Walter Dornez


Black Viper - Metal Blitzkreig (2016)

Credit to: Shinjuku Mad


Alcoholocaust - Thrash Metal Ataque (Demo 2006)

Credit to : ThrashMetalPT

Arkham Witch - Metal Queen 2014)

Credit to: The Nazgul

See you soon for the third and final batch.

That's all folks. 

Wednesday, 10 May 2017

The Eurovision Metal Contest 2017 (Group 1)

Ultimate Metal Playlist

 The eyes of the world are once again drawn to the annual event that is the Eurovision Song Contest, where the nations of Europe (And Israel. And several states in the Caucasus. And ...err...Australia.) come together in a glorious celebration of song, spectacle, silly outfits and dubious voting practices.

  And as is my annual custom I'm going to do my own version. 

Here are the rules.
1. The song must contain the word "Metal" or some variation thereof. (See the enormous header.)
2. It must be a song I have never posted before. (Which can make life awkward)
3. It must be from within the last 10 years. (A rule I'm quite flexible on, actually.)
4. Songs will be posted in small batches. (Because I'm lazy)
5. If I don't post a song from a particular country it's only because I can't find one. (Laziness again.)

So here we go with the first batch. Enjoy.  


Archaize - Metal Exorcism (2014)

Credit to: Matt Tyson


Autopsya - Thrash Metal Army (2013)

Honour to: Bruno Terrosa


Night Crime - Metal Pollution (2014)

Credit to: Antti Heikenen

And you can exepect to see that cover in an upcoming edition of Heavy Metal Cover Girls.

Czech Republic.

 Falcar - The Metal Crusade (2016)


Chainsaw- Metal Commandments (2013)

Credit to: ChainsawHellYeah

That's it for this round but expect more to some.
Exactly how many depends on whether I can find songs for Azerbaijan and San Marino and
whether I decide to sneak in some other random countries. Indonesia for instance.

That's all folks. 

Monday, 8 May 2017

So there was this spider...

 It was sometime in the early hours of the morning and I had just drifted from a deep sleep into a state that was not quite awake, not quite asleep. Conscious enough to talk to you but not enough to remember what the hell either of us had said - that sort of thing.

Let's call it "sleep-drunk"

   I shifted my head on the pillow. Shifted it again...then rolled over and opened my eyes...

...To find a spider hanging 3 inches away from my nose. 

   Most of the time me and spiders are cool. They do their thing, I do mine and we co-exist quite happily.

  This spider was not cool. For starters it was ghostly-white and it was staring at me with eight blood red eyes, quite obviously intent on crawling up my nose while I was asleep and laying it eggs in my brain.

 (Did I mention that I was half-asleep at the time and Mr "Rational Thought" hadn't reported for duty yet.?)

  Which, I think, explains why my immediate reaction was to go "Aaarrgghhh" and launch a wild left-hook. 

  The evil, brain-eating arachnid had just time to register the fleshy asteroid inbound and hostile before it was crushed violently between my knuckles and the wall.

 In retrospect punching it another couple of times may have been overkill. 

 So if my neighbours are wondering why I was banging on the wall last night, that's why. It's also why I was pulling the mattress and bedding off so I could make sure the fucking thing was actually dead.   

 Because you know what's worse than a spider from hell?  A spider from hell that wants revenge.

That's all folks. 

Saturday, 29 April 2017

Heavy Metal Cover Girls: In Space!

  Ok, so my plan to post on a daily basis kinda went tits-up but that's what happens to plans. Stuff happens, plans change, planners try and make it seems like they had it under control the whole time.

 Now let's look at some album covers. 

  Since I've just been watching Doctor Who, I think I'll reuse the theme of Sci-Fi - although obviously all these are from a less cerebral strain of Science Fiction that places more emphasis on Blasters and Skintight trousers. Or no trousers at all. 

The Pass Outs - Dead Technology (Australia 2017)

SciFi Album cover sexy metal bikini
Celebrating one of the most memorable moments in Sci-Fi history and many a young boy's adolescent dreams,
while at the same time paying tribute to Princess Leia being a legitimate badass.

Wednesday, 26 April 2017

Heavy Metal Cover Girls:Blindfold Beauties.

The hour is late and I've just remembered that I was supposed to be posting every day this week. 
Time to delve into my Cover Girls folder and see if there's a sub-folder that's nice and full. 

Ah. here we go. 

Album cover artists do tend to use and reuse the same tropes over and over again. Nakedness to represent  vulnerability, curled up in a corner to signify being lost and hurt , butt-cheeks to represent how much the artist likes arses. You get the idea. 
  Sometimes the message is clear. Sometimes it's a bit more obscure. Sometimes there isn't really a message - the band and artist merely wanted a striking visual image and any interpretation is in our own heads.

 So my question for you is this: When an album cover has a woman on the cover with her eyes hidden under a fold of cloth what do you think that's supposed to mean? 

  Kissin' Black - Heart Over Head (Switzerland/Italy 2014)

album cover blondfolded woman
  As blindfolds go, phase-shifting half her face into the shadow realm is pretty bloody effective.  

Sinner - Dangerous Charm (Germany 1987)

metal album blonde woman blindfolded
Whereas this blindfold is just bloody useless.
Oi you. No peeking. 

小雨 - 破墨山谷 

(Mysterain - After The End Of The Valley)(China 2016)

metal album cover girl blindfolded
This is one of those where I'm sure there's a story waiting to be told. 
Something about a sage, maybe?
There's at least two different ways you can interpret "After The End Of The Valley" and one of them is a bit grim.

Экскалибур - В руках судьбы EP (Russia 2011)

(Excalibur - In The Hands of Fate EP)
Blindfolded woman image
So why does a woman who can't see need a lantern anyway?
Hmm. Is this some sort of Zen thing?
And is this the sister of the lady in the Mysterain cover?

Azylya - Sweet Cerebral Destruction (Belgium 2013)

album cover blindfolded woman art
If nothing else we've established that album covers from literally all over the world can share similar themes. 
Anybody else find that interesting? 
The album cover?'s nice but I've got nothing. 

Constraint - Enlightened By Darkness (Italy 2016)

Try taking the bloody blindfold off. I guarantee you'll stop bumping into things. 

General Greed -Rectifying For Justice (Sweden 2017)

As superheroes go, Blindfold Singing Justice Woman was quite effective
She desperately needed a snappier name though. 
Very, very Comics-influenced isn't it. 

Excuse- Goddess Injsutice EP (Finland 2016)

Another rare case where the cover relates to the actual album title. 
Now look closely at her eyes. 
Changes the meaning, doesn't it?

The Longing - Bleed (USA 2016)

I think we just walked into a BDSM fantasy gone horribly wrong. 

Stonelake - Shades Of Eternity (Sweden 2009)

I like this cover despite the fact that I don't understand it.
Some sort of Sci-Fi thing going on...maybe something about perception?

Sometimes there was no hidden message beyond "Make it look cool"

That's all folks. 
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