Wednesday, 29 March 2017

The Metal Project: Maximum Metal Video

metal songs about metal ultimate metal songlist

 Hello and welcome to a somewhat overdue edition of The Metal Project; my ongoing quest to create the most Metal playlist in human history.

  After abruptly running out of alphabet because there's surprisingly few metal bands starting with X that also write songs called "Metal Avenger/Battle/Budgie/Whatever"  I resorted to digging out some stuff I've been meaning to post for a while.
  Usually I try and post the song but for this lot I could only find promo videos.


  What the hell. Still counts. 

 As always I hope you find something you like. Enjoy. 

Fireforce - Combat Metal (Belgium 2014)



Silent Eye - Heavy Metal (South Korea 2011) 


Debauchery - Heavy Metal Monsternaut (Germany 2016)NSFW!


Jackdevil - Under The Metal Command (Brazil 2012)


And to finish: A bona-fide Canadian Metal Legend!

Thor- Metal Avenger (Canada 2014)



Monday, 27 March 2017

Terrible Metal Album Covers XXV

I got a bit of a shock when I opened up my Blogger page today and discovered that I'd had a months worth of page views in a day, courtesy of  http://www.metafilter.com/  and http://dangerousminds.net/  pointing people in the direction of Terrible Metal Album Covers.


 I think the Internet is trying to tell me something.

 So here we go with another batch of album covers that are never going to be in any coffee-table books. Not unless the title includes the words "Shite", "Wank" or "Drawn by a chimp" at any rate.

Please note that  Terrible album cover   Terrible band. 

  Chaos Injected (Finland 2016)

   I've had dreams like this.
The inside of my head frightens me.   

 

Sunday, 26 March 2017

Debbie Combs

Evening all.

 I thought I'd post a couple of scans I've had lying around for a while. These feature a second-generation lady wrestler who got around a lot during the 1980s-early 1990s wrestling for any promotion that booked ladies: Debbie Combs.  

  
women wrestling 1980s
Debbie is having a bad day courtesy of the much-missed Sherri Martel (1985ish)

  Years later Debbie dishes out some punishment to "Awesome" Ondy Austin. (1990?)
   Note the contrast in ring gear. 
Debbie is still rocking the classic swimsuit combo while Ondy's hair and outfit are more modern-looking. 

 I'm sure I have some more lady wrestler pics kicking around if you want to see them. 

Anyway for now, that's all folks. 

Sunday, 19 March 2017

Movie Review: Star Odyssey (1979)



  After winning Earth in a Galactic auction alien tyrant Lord Kress comes to view his new property and collect a cargo of  Earthling slaves.
 Since nobody told the Earthlings they were under new ownership they object to this quite violently. In turn Lord Kress and his crew of  blond-wigged lackies turn Earth's defences into smoking embers.

 In desperation the head of the Earth's military turn to super-scientist Maury for help.
  The conversation runs a bit like this "Please help. Only we won't give you any actual resources or assistance  and if anything goes wrong we'll blame you."
  "Oh. Alright then."

Gathering a crack team (consisting of a cocky spaceman, a crooked gambler, an acrobatic boxer, a pair of disreputable scientists, his daughter and a pair of  lovestruck robots who are deeply, fucking annoying) Maury sets to work on finding a defence for Earth. Only, not in any great hurry. It's not like people are being harvested or anything.

  There are a few positive things that can be said about this slice of Italian low-budget hokum.

 The costume and makeup departments seem to have been the only people who bothered making an effort. Marisa Longo's leather leotard is a piece of marketing genius (see poster) while Lord Krell's scaly face-makeup is actually quite impressive. Somebody also had to find a job-lot of He-Man blond wigs for Krell's henchmen. That can't have been easy.

  The scene where spring-heeled boxer Norman battles a boxing android is quite memorable and the most entertaining thing in the whole film. Possibly the only entertaining thing in fact.

  Now let's look at all the things Star Odyssey  gets wrong, starting with the title.

Dictionary.com defines Odyssey as : "A long series of wanderings or adventures, especially when filled with notable experiences, hardships etc." None of which happens in this film. Methinks the producers wanted a title with "Star." in it somewhere and picked a word that sounded cool.
  Basically we're in the realms of Star-Wars cash-ins again. As we shall see, if we're not scraping the bottom of the barrel  we're not far off it.

  Some of the problems can be put down to budget restrictions: the way the destruction of Earth's defences is lovingly rendered in WW2 stock footage. ( black and white!), the invading clones being armed with Space swords that are literally wooden swords painted with shiny white paint, and the special effects generally being on the level of a 1950s drive-in timefiller.

  Others can be laid squarely at the fault of the director and writers.
  The pace is slow and the characters meander towards their final battle with all the urgency of pensioners looking for a nice cardigan. Apparently nobody has noticed that Earth just got invaded which is why Maury's team can take their time.  Can I also point out once again that our heroes have been told "Go save the Earth but sort it out yourselves."  You'd think that Defence Command would have provided a few guards and a space ship or two. Instead the impressively moustached male leads have to nick one.
  Then there's the two frigging robots who add nothing whatsoever to the story. "Star Wars had robots. We should have robots". - but sod giving them any relevance or making them look anything other than crap Tin Man knockoffs.
  The acting is nothing special and anyway the English dub stamps out any possible nuance or emotional inflection. Special mention must be made of ace pilot "Hollywood" who hams it up so much even the other characters point it out. The guy spends the whole film acting like he's in a propaganda newsreel - all fists on hips and dramatic stances - I'm honestly not sure if that was meant to be funny or not.
  Action? There is some. It isn't very good and I got bored.

What really makes Star Odyssey stand out in all the wrong ways is the editing. Whoever stitched the film together put two entire scenes in the wrong place.   In a better film I might think it was a deliberate storytelling trick or a flashback but here it is quite obvious that the reels are in the wrong order.

And nobody noticed. 

 Did nobody bother viewing the finished product before they shoved it out to cinemas?   Or did everybody concerned lose interest as soon as the footage was in the can? That shows how much of a shonky, quick-buck lash-up we're dealing with here. 

To sum up: If you like low-budget Italian knockoffs you still won't like this. As a film Star Odyssey fails as anything other than an object lesson in how not to do it.  Avoid


That's all folks. 

Saturday, 11 March 2017

Heavy Metal Cover Girls: On Heavenly Wings.

  Hello and welcome to another edition of Heavy Metal Cover Girls. A series where I look at Rock & Metal album covers starring attractive young women, usually wearing something impractical.

 As of the last time I checked, I've done 70+ of these so far and still have hundreds more covers to post, so whenever I'm running short on ideas I can always whip out a bunch of buxom, metallic amazons waving broadswords about.

 I could post album covers with landscape paintings, or Vikings, or fighter jets but frankly I'd rather post a cover that has landscape + pretty girl, pretty girl flying a fighter or pretty girl who is also a Viking.
Shrugs. Everybody has their interests. This is one of mine.

  I realise the intro was a little longer than usual but there's a reason for that:

As happens a lot, I had no idea what the theme was going to be until just now.  

 I have decided that today's theme is going to be those heavenly enforcers of Divine will, those protectors and punishers of Humanity, those women who find it impossible to get bras that fit properly due to certain anatomical peculiarities... Angels.

Age Of Dust - Messenger In A Soulless World (Spain 2015)

 

  This is one of the nice, New Testament angels so nobody is getting smited this time around. 
Having said that, if a glowing woman with wings pops up while you're on a snowy mountaintop somebody is probably in trouble
 ... and I'm afraid it's you.  

Wednesday, 8 March 2017

Youtube ads are just taking the piss now.

 I'm going to go on record as saying that I'm not a big fan of Youtube ads. Intellectually I'm aware that the the site and the video creators need funding, and that adverts are required for this.

  That's my head talking. What my heart says when I have to sit through another painful Lilly Singh advert before I can watch some parkour fails is unprintable until somebody comes up with Black Speech keyboard.   I also wonder who thinks that when I want to watch a new Metal video, what I'd really be interested in seeing first is 30 unskippable seconds of twee indie-pop.

Don't even get me started on adverts midway through a video. "What the fuck?" barely covers it.

Today, however... today marks the point at which Youtube ads cross over into whole new realms of fuckwittery.  Because today is the day I decided to watch the trailer for upcoming disaster-fest Geostorm and had to sit through another trailer first.

A  trailer for Geostorm.

 That's right, my pretty marsupials. The bots that run Youtube decided I had to watch the exact same trailer that I was going to watch anyway, only without the option to skip. 

 The only way that could be any more up its own arse would be if the trailer stopped midway through so I could watch a trailer for Geostorm while a pop-up ad for Geostorm suddenly covered half the screen.  I pray I am safely dead before things get that bad. 

And Geostorm looks a bit stupid anyway.



That's all folks. 
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