Wednesday, 23 May 2018

Heavy Metal Cover Girls...Invite You In

A while back I did an HMCG post where the theme was "women holding out their hand to offer something."

There was more of them than you'd expect.

Anyway, I sorta promised that I'd do a second post looking at a slight variation of the theme and here it is.

What I'm looking at today is cover Girls who are holding out their hand in offering but this time, what they're asking is this "Take my hand. Come with me. Maybe I'll take you to paradise. Maybe I'll eat your spleen."

 Edge Of Paradise - Immortal Waltz (USA 2015)

 I know there are people who might jump at the chance of ballroom dancing for eternity but I'm not one of them. So I'm just gonna go, OK?

Manticora - The Black Circus pt 1. Letters (Denmark 2006) 

Is that clown in the doorway? Oh hell no. I don't care if this is just a regular circus and not a Ray-Bradbury-creepy-fucking-nightmare-hellshow. Still not going in.

SkyLark - Divine Gates Pt V Chapter 1. (Italy 2013)

 Probably the least sinister cover on this page. 
I like to think she's inviting a weary traveller to a picnic with squash and nice sandwiches. 

Mactätus- The Complex Bewitchment (Norway 2000)

..And we're back to scary ladies again. 
Especially those eyebrows.

Helltown - Lead To Hell (Brazil 2006)

The very definition of mixed messages. 
One the one hand, sexy blonde metal chick who has a phobia of bras..
On the other hand, every single other thing on this cover..

Graveshadow -Ambition's Price (USA 2018)

metal album coves withces
"Knife? What knife? 
You mean this knife?
I'm ...making a Goulash. 
Wanna try some.
Just step in range..shit---I mean closer."

That's all folks. 

Sunday, 20 May 2018

Film Review: Three Headed Monster (1988)

Genre: Chinese Fantasy

Picture courtesy of
  A group of mutant monks are hunting the elusive Thousand Year Ginseng King - basically a giant, walking, talking Ginseng root  - and in the process accidentally create a Nazi Zombie.  When the zombie bites a young boy's mother, he must travel far, far away to the land of the Three Headed Demon King and rescue the Ginseng King because otherwise his mother is going to become either dead or a zombie and neither of these are good. 

 When I woke up this morning I wasn't expecting to have any use for the phrase "Nazi Zombie" and truth be told  I didn't know a Magic Ginseng Man might even be a thing.  Yet here we are: both of them in the same film. 

 Three Headed Giant is creatively bonkers in a good way.   This was made long before the concept of deliberately bad movies took ironic hold so the writers genuinely thought that a Nazi Zombie was the perfect addition to an otherwise traditional Chinese fantasy movie. 

 I suspect this was a family movie - sort of a Neverending Story for good Confucian children. The juvenile protagonist, the frequent references to filial worthiness and the decidedly low-budget SFX all point in that direction.  The production team used a lot of paper-mache and foam rubber to create the sets and the monsters and then glued whatever was left over to the bad guys faces. Sophisticated it isn't.

Bu then you have the scene where a Nazi Zombie goes on the rampage and you also have the lovely Cynthia Khan showing off her kung-fu and her pins in a leopardskin minidress so I wonder if the kiddies were asking awkward questions after that. 

If you like your old-school low-budget Asian fantasy, or you just want to see if the 3-headed monster looks as cool as he does on the poster (spoiler: no he doesn't) then you might want to give this a go.

Personally I thought it was very daft but also very entertaining.  Not what I was expecting to do today but life is better when you have a few surprises. 

Screenshot time.

 This makes sense in context. Honest.

So does this. 

 Cynthia Khan is a proper martial arts star so I think she did this film as a favour. 

"Have yer spear back, you putty-faced wankers."

 Ooohh! Right in the ding-ding. 
No wonder the other guy is wincing too. 

That's all folks. 

Friday, 18 May 2018

The Eurovision Metal Contest 2018 Heat 3

Metal songs about metal, the metal project.

This is the somewhat delayed third and final part of this year's Eurovision Metal Contest.  Enjoy. 

Iron Slaught - High Grade Metal (2014)

Honour to: Head Gang

Insulters - Metal Still Means Danger (2016)

Honour to: Insulters official

Hungry Wolf - Metal Bitch (2015)

Honour to: Shinjuku Mad

Axewielder-Metalhorned Stallions (2017)

Honour to: Thor Korr

And that's it for another year.

See ya soon. 

Sunday, 13 May 2018

The Eurovision Metal Contest 2018: Heat 2

eurovision metal contest.

The proper Eurovision was last night and as usual had more than its fair share of oddness, naffness and downright peculiar voting.  I refuse to believe that anybody voted for Israel's song because they liked it. I also hope the wanker that interrupted the UK's performance got a good slap from the security bods.

Anyway, let's get on with the Metal version shall we?  I'm going to try and mix up the genres a little.
Hope you find something to like.

Ahola - Still Metal (2014)

Honour to: Ahola Official

Sorcerer - Heavy Metal Riders (2004)

Honour to: Marian9131

Guilty As Charged - Metal Holocaust (2009)

Honour to: Guilty As Charged

Time for some Eurovision style oddness. (Although under the bizarre outfits is quite a decent band.) 

Gli Atroci - I Dieci Metallamenti (2004)

Honour to: hbuie

Darkest Oath- Black Metal Cult (2013)

Honour to: 666necrochrist

Please let me know if you liked any of these and don't forget to visit and support the channels I linked above. 
See you soon for Heat 3.

That's All Folks. 

Wednesday, 9 May 2018

The Eurovision Metal Contest 2018: Heat 1

Eurovision song contest metal 2018

It's that time of year again. Once again the united nations of Europe send their best  some musicians to wage sonic battle on their behalf.  I feel no shame in admitting that I am a devout viewer, marvelling at the  whole cheesy, blatantly fucking rigged against the UK  spectacle. However Metal is rarely in evidence.

So every year I take it upon myself to redress this balance by doing a special Eurovision  edition of The Metal Project.
 Here are the rules.
 1. Every song must contain the word "Metal" 
2. Every band should be Metal or at  least  Hard Rock.
 3. Every song should be by a European act (although the host country doesn't have to be in the proper Eurovision this year.) 
4. Every song should be from the last decade (or thereabouts. )
5. Every song must be one that has never been on The Metal Project before

 Without further ado, let's get started.  Enjoy.

Mortician - Shout For Heavy Metal (2014)

Honour to: Mortician Austria

Brothers Of Metal - We Believe in Metal (2017)

 Honour to: Triskelion

Rock Goddess - We're All Metal  (2017)

13lackHan - Black Metal Planet (2017)

Honour to: Blackhan LCF 13DR

Schtack - Pirate Metal (2013)

Honour to: Schtack TV

That's All Folks.
See you soon for Heat 2. 

Monday, 7 May 2018

The Metal Project: Metal Time

Metal songs about metal

Evening all. 

A Metal Project update is well overdue so how about you and i take a stroll through Youtube and see what we can find?  I'm just going to grab a few songs at random so let me know if you like them, loathe them or love them.   Enjoy. 

흑염소 (Huqueymsaw) - Black Bastards Speed Metal (S. Korea 2015)

Honour to: Jhoon Shim

Thunder Steel - Metal Time (Brazil 2009)

Honour to: Fred Keyster

Immortadell - Grezz Metal (Italy 2006)

(Pisstake of Venom's Black metal. It still counts, right?)

Honour to: Fratello Ciabbath

Mantak - Satan's Metal Holocaust (Malaysia 2007)

Honour to: AES

And to finish something from the old days. 

Tempered Steel - Hooked On Heavy Metal  (USA 1988)

Honour to: Classic Metal Samples 

And you will find more classic stuff at:

Wednesday, 2 May 2018

Cheapo DVD Review: Rise Of The Gladiators (2017)

"A Templar Knight is forced to fight as a gladiator where challengers from different worlds duel in a quest for a magical sword. Then the Templar learns he is scheduled to fight his master who has become a man of greed and ambition. Now the Templar teams with his adversaries against the master and his disciples."

As always, my first question is "Does the DVD cover bear any resemblance to the actual film?"

Noooo! Not even a tiny little bit! 

  The cover shows a bunch of Roman dudes fighting in a sandy Roman arena in front of a bunch of Romans in broad daylight. The only commonality with the film I watched is that a couple of white blokes used swords and they weren't Romans anyway. 

So with the exception of one throwaway line there aren't any gladiators in this film, rising or otherwise. 

Tell you who is in this film, however. 

Ex-WWE star Rikishi. (Butt-cheeks thankfully hidden away.)
You'd think somebody would have mentioned that on the cover, especially since Rikishi is one of the producers.  Seriously, wouldn't having a big, Polynesian badass or two on the cover make much more of a visual impact? 

 One last gripe about the cover and then I'll get on to the film itself I promise. 
The tagline is "Some Who Enter The Arena Lose Their Lives."  
Really? That's the best you could come up with?  
You managed to make a spectacle about bloody fights to the death sound about as exciting as darts. 

So what's the film about? 
 According to the Discovery channel style voiceover at the start,  once the world was united and the focal point was some sort of super-magic sword.  Then somebody tried to nick it and the lands were divided as punishment.  Every thousand years a tournament is held where warriors and champions from across the world come to a cave/pocket dimension to battle for the sword. 
 One team find themselves short of a fighter so they shanghai a stray Templar Knight en route . When they arrive, not only do they have to deal with a motley collection of  stereotypes but also the slight problem that the current holder of the sword isn't playing by the rules.  

What did I think? 
 Rise Of The Gladiators had the potential to be quite an interesting film. The idea of having a secret fighting tournament isn't remotely unique but with the assembled warriors including Amazonian Indians, African warriors, Polynesians, Vikings and.Arabs this was a great change to see some weapons and martial arts that don't normally get a look in.
 (Have you ever seen footage of Maori demonstrating those terrifying war-clubs and asked yourself. "I wonder how he would fare against a Viking?" I have.) Then there's the huge stakes involved, tensions between the various teams and the hosts, the kidnapped Templar coming to believe in his captor's mission. 
All kinds of building blocks for, if not a great film, then at least an enjoyable one. 

  Sadly however, the whole thing comes across as rushed. Most of the fights are brief, not particularly well-choreographed, barehand fights and not particularly exciting either. Not much here that makes you think "Ok. Now that's cool."
  Having most of the action being shot in a dark room really doesn't help.  

The other stuff isn't handled especially well either. The backstage drama feels sketched-in as a rough framework for the fights and as I've already said, since they don't hold up well, the rest can't make up for it. Some of the acting is weak, the dialogue has some jarring lapses into modern-day language and the director keeps throwing in scenery shots when he can't think of anything better to do. 

In short, Rise Of The Gladiators has some nice ideas but fails to make best use of them. 

How much did I pay for this: £1.
Was it worth it?  Debatable. At best, Rise... can be classed as "watchable if you're in the right mood." 
What a shame. 

That's All Folks. 

Thursday, 26 April 2018

March Of The Dinosaurs

Last year I made a post about the latest additions to my back garden, namely a couple of plastic dinosaurs.  (Read it HERE )    Well, recently I had a bad attack of impulse buying and ended up coming home with a whole bagful of miniature saurians.

And here they are migrating towards their new home. Try and imagine the soundtrack to One Million BC playing as you read onwards.

A motley collection of thunder lizards trek across the barrens.
  An uneasy truce exists between the different species, with the relationship between the herbivores 
and the sole carnivore being particularly tense. 

 Legend has it that on the other side of this barren  veg patch  wilderness lies a land of tall trees and delicious plants. 
What the carnivore is hoping for is anybodies guess and nobody feels like asking him. 
It would almost certainly involves the words "Slow", "defenceless" and "well-marbled"

 By unanimous decision Brutus the Brachiosaur is the leader. mainly because he can step on anybody that argues, 
but also because a guy who can spot things from 30ft up is exactly the dinosaur you want on point. 

He has nice eyes too. Everybody likes the eyes. 

Will our saurian explorers ever reach the promised land?
Will anybody mysteriously disappear overnight while Mr Carnivore strangely gains weight? 

Does anybody know what the bloody hell all these dinosaurs actually are? 
Why is that one guy bright orange? 

These questions may or may not get answered in a later post. 

That's all folks. 

Sunday, 22 April 2018

Raining Men From A Lacerated Sky

You ever have one of those moments where you realise once again that maybe you think a little differently from the people around you?   I get those a lot.  I seem to have spent  a lot of my life watching people nervously back away while nodding and smiling.

Of course sometimes I do it deliberately....

In this case it started when "Raining Men" came on the works radio and one of the ladies I work with mentioned that having men drop from the sky would be "so great."

 "You've got a different mental image of that than I have ." I told her. 
"Why? What do think it would look like? she asked me.

And I told her.

When I had finished, there was a pause that stretched on a little too long. She may have blinked at me nervously. In the words of Britney "Oops. I did it again."

You see, every time I hear "Raining Men"  I don't think "Happy and camp." I think this:

You look up at the sky and it looks wrong. Dark, angry clouds boil overhead with red light flaring through the gaps like bloody gashes in bruised flesh. And the rain begins.

Hundreds of tiny, tiny shapes dropping from the clouds. As they grow nearer you  see that each one is a man, his arms and legs flailing frantically, clawing at the sky in a futile attempt to slow his fall just a little longer. 
 Then you hear it. The screams.  The sound of hundreds of men crying their last in terror and impotent anger because they don't understand why this is happening to them, only that they are going to die.  

The first man lands. Metal crumples and glass shatters as he smashes into the roof of a car with a sickening crunch.  The next arrives on the pavements outside, screams ending in a final explosion of violence. He bursts open before your eyes, blood spraying across the road. 
There's blood on your clothes now, and on your face. It's strangely warm. 

 All around you tumbling bodies are hitting the ground with a sickening noise, and you start screaming for it to stop, that this is not what you meant. This was never what you wanted. 
 The storm stops. A final body topples from the roof top where he landed, as shattered as the slates that tumble away behind him, as limp as a rag doll and he lands at your feet. 

He looks like he was young.  Maybe he was handsome once. But his eyes are open wide, his mouth is frozen in the shape of his final, wordless howl. And he's lying in a puddle of his own blood and brains. 

The storm has ended, the rain finished. The clouds melt away as fast as they came, the eerie red light fading with them. 

All that is left is the blood, the broken bodies crumpled in the streets and gardens...

And the memory of the screams. 

 So the next time you hear that song, just remember:

Scream. Splat. Splash. 

That's all folks. 

Sunday, 15 April 2018

What The Hell. Here's Some Women Wrestling Pictures.

There's clearly a lot of people out there who like their old-school women's wrestling so how about I make you all  a little happier and put up some pics I happen to have lying about.

 Shirley Strimple rolls out of the way and Ramona Teselle lands on the ref instead. 
The refs must have hated working the ladies matches as the poor sods were always getting battered. 
If they didn't have a couple of big girls using them as a cash mat then one would just lose her rag and try to attack him. 
You can see an expression of weary resignation on this ref's face. 

I think this is a French match from somewhere in the 1960s and I think the woman in Leopard print is Nady Jacky. 
Since my knowledge of Eeuropean women's wrestling is minimal I can't really say much more than that. 

Mari Akagi tries to break her opponent's arm. 
The first time I saw pictures of Japanese women wrestlers I was astonished. 
Even back then they seemed a lot more athletic and ferocious than the US/UK I was used to. 

The late, great mae Young is apparently after divine assistance in this match.
Not how the referee is wearing a cheap t-shirt because he knows it's getting ripped off at some point.  

Holy crap.  Mexican luchadoras don't fuck about do they?

Hope you liked these and I'll see you soon. 

Saturday, 7 April 2018

Kobra And The Lotus Get Kawaii.

  What with BabyMetal, Band-Maid, Lovebites and the frankly odd Neconomidol the Japanese have created then cornered the market in Kawaii Metal.  Metal bands that combine catchiness, melody and a definite Anime soundtrack feel to them.

However Canadian metalheads Kobra and The Lotus have decided to challenge the J-Idols at their own game. Their latest video sees front-woman Kobra Paige not only singing in Japanese and rocking a distinctly cute ensemble but getting her own crazy anime avatar.

 Personally I loved it.  I like the song and while the anime vid isn't exactly Studio Madhouse it has a quirky charm and a happy ending. I also have to admire the drummer windmilling as he plays. That can't be easy.

See what you think.

Sunday, 1 April 2018

Cheapo DVD Review: Sharkenstein (2016)

Genre: Sharksploitation

Shark movie reviews

WW2: An experiment to create unstoppable soldiers by combining Frankenstein's monster with sharks is shut down by the SS and the research taken away to North America.
Modern day: People are mysteriously disappearing from the wars around a small American town.  Hmm. Wonder what could be causing that...

Naturally the film on the DVD cover isn't the film you actually get. No jets, no bikini babes and nowhere near the budget. Or any budget at all.

"Sharkenstein" is very, very low-budget and this is made painfully apparent within the first couple of scenes.

   The producers couldn't afford  CGI, or even a plastic U-boat.  So instead they pasted in a 2D pic of a sub conning tower and hoped nobody would notice.

  Now I could just post a picture of Sharkenstein and that would tell you everything you need to know but I shall get a few more shots in first.

 Let's skip ahead to our protagonists and yet more questions.   

As far as I can tell, the three holidaymakers dress, talk and behave like youngsters: College-age in fact.

At least one of them is in the right age-range
  But she does seem visibly confused as to her companions. 
   A bit old for college and definitely too old to wear your hat like that unless you're called "Bubba"

    Dad, you're drunk. turn your hat round the right way.

Did the producers think we wouldn't notice or, as I suspect, they used some mates that were cheap and available. 

  Needless to say the acting quality is not high, but considering the story and dialogue are downright ropey I wouldn't blame anybody for half-assing it. 

  One of many problems this film has is that it's deeply stupid - it's about a mad Nazi creating a Frankenstein shark FFS - but there are ways of making stupid films fun.  Asylum have made a lucrative career out of dumb films where the viewer is in on the joke. The Sharknado franchise is on it's 5th instalment and keeps upping the ridiculous ante every time. So Sharkenstein is the sort of idea that makes great, after-pub, ironic viewing in the right hands but unfortunately those hands were busy somewhere else. 
 Or to put it another way, a film about a shark stitched together by Nazis with a Zombie brain manages to be dull. 

 The only amusement to be had is marvelling at the shark FX.

Time to see the Sharkenstein itself. 

 It's a fricking rubber model.  Also extremely un-scary. 

Here it is in action. 

 That's about as good as it gets and believe me the underwater attacks  aren't even that dynamic

At one point it's blatantly obvious that somebody offscreen is holding the shark's tail and woggling it about a bit. 

  Over the last few years the bar for stupid shark films keeps getting higher as producers try and keep things fresh by trotting out one coke-fuelled  concept after another. (Supersharks, shark tornados, sand sharks, ghost sharks, zombie sharks) and Sharkenstein comes nowhere near matching that level of entertainment

It does set one benchmark though. Sharkenstein is easily the most rubbish Shark movie I have ever seen. 


 How much did I pay for this? £2
Was it worth it?  No. No. No.  Sharkenstein has very little going for it and serves only to give me a new l;ow-point to measure other shark Movies against.  Not recommended. 

  I'll finish with a screenshot that seems appropriate. 

That's all folks. 

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